Tales from the Work-from-Home Front

These are actual conversations I've had with my dog and my kids while working from home.

Sometimes it's hard to tell who's worse.

Today

Me: ok, I know you want to go for a walk, but I've got a 9 am call first. Soon as it's done, we'll go, ok?

Charlie: stares at me with puppy eyes that could melt Mitch McConnell* and when that doesn't work, he lunges at a rubber chicken on the floor.

Me: No, please not the rubber chicken. I have a CALL. 

Charlie: casually tosses chicken into the air. (Did I mention the chicken squeaks)?

Me: mutes my phone just as Charlie begins a game of catch-the-rubber-chicken with himself. I wave at the dog desperately because I know I'm going to have to unmute shortly. He ignores me and pounces again on the chicken. I give up and pray I don't have to speak.

Charlie: senses I'm on mute, stops tossing the chicken and lies down casually, as if to say, oh this old thing? I hardly even noticed it was there. Of course I can stop and be completely quiet while you're on a call.

Me: hears the round table of Teams updates making its way toward my area, unmutes myself and...

Charlie: AROORORRRRRRAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Me: mutes self, cursing

Charlie: RAHRRRRAROOOOOOOOO

Me: glares, powerless 

Charlie: shakes his fur, glares at the retreating back of another dog being walked past our window and then looks at me smugly. 

"You're welcome" is very much implied.

Last week

Me: hey guys, I'm getting on a call. It's a short one, but I have to speak, so I just need everyone to be quiet for like 30 minutes.

Parker: Could you move out of the way? You're blocking the game.

Luke: doesn't look up from phone.

Me: ok, thanks guys. Closes door, gets on call, starts speaking and...

Parker: (from the den) OMG YOU SUCK! Stomps out of den, leaves door open, goes to bathroom & also slams that door.

Luke: PARKER, YOU $%%^^^, YOU LET THE DOG IN AND HE ATE MY BAGEL!

Me: frantically gestures at my kids, because I am SPEAKING, a fact which no longer matters amid the teen boy yelling and my bracelets clanging together as I wave my arms desperately, trying to get their attention. The sounds from my microphone sound less like a conference call and more like a cage match at Abercrombie and Fitch. 

Parker: OMG YOU'RE SUCH A D***, MOM's on a CALL! Slams door to the den.

Me: thinks - well, at least the door's shut. Continues call and we're almost done and...

Luke: suddenly appears in front of my desk literally out of thin air, like something from The Omen, hissing, I HATE HIM!

Last Month

Me: (on a call) Sure, I can make that change and get you back an updated draft by the end of the day...

Parker: races out the den, prompting the dog to chase him.

Me: waves hands around, mouthing, i'M oN a cAlL!

Charlie: thinks hand waving is an invitation to play, romps through living room, steps on rubber chicken.

Me: head starts spinning in the manner of Linda Blair from The Exorcist.

Parker: come on, Charlie - leads dog back into the kitchen and gives him a treat - probably something he shouldn't have, and I don't care.

Me: resumes speaking, thinking PHEW, dodged that one.

Parker: jogs through the living room, stops at my desk and waves hello. There's a gleam in his eye that I just don't trust.

Me: shakes head, silently screaming, don't do it, please don't do it, don't say anything inappropriate...

Parker: (whispers) PE**S!

Me: hits mute so hard I almost knock over my laptop.

Parker: grins. LOVE YOU MOM!

*Just kidding, nothing could do that