Friday, June 19, 2015

Life is like an cable series

I'm usually too tired to watch TV, which is a shame because I hear there's some real good stuff out there. But you know, with 2 boys and a dog, I kind of feel like I already live the plots of most programs anyway.

Relentless violence? Check.
Unruly animals? Check.
Conniving family members squabbling/scrambling for control/attention/the last ice cream sandwich? Yep.

So it got me thinking -- what if TV dramas were recast in real life? Flipping through the DVR, I see more than a few titles I could imagine filmed chez moi:

Game of Playstation
Scheming family members fight each other and a ferocious beast to gain control of the video game remote. Will the father finally get to play Madden 2015 alone? Will the youngest brother ever get to pick the team in MLB Baseball? Or will the overweight golden retriever end clan warfare forever by eating through the remote charger wires?

House of Cards ... that no one can ever find the entire deck to play a #$$% game with
Move over Kevin Spacey, there's a new Machiavelli in town. He's six, he's cute and he'll do anything to keep his older brother from winning at Go Fish ... or any game, for that matter.
Got a 3?
Got a Jack?
Got an entire bag of Cheetos stashed under your bed?
Go fish, brother. Go fish.

Truly Annoyed Detective: A grisly crime scene involving fossilized pizza and a melted popsicle haunts a mother bent on assigning blame. After days of grueling interrogation, guilt is finally pinned on the family dog, but the case is flimsy and based purely on circumstantial evidence involving a chewed-up popsicle stick. Days turn into nights as Mom drowns her frustrations in grocery store Chardonnay and speculates about what might have happened. Eventually the mystery drives her mad. She carjacks a minivan and goes on a cross-country crime spree, robbing convenient stores of Clorox wipes and Red Bull. Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn guest star. Because I want them to. Ok? STOP ASKING ME SO MANY QUESTIONS!

The Originals: Snack Food Wars
Mayhem and murder result when a mom attempts to pass off store-brand snack food as the real thing. Not unlike its namesake Vampire Diaries spinoff, this show features ravenous young men who quickly turn to rage and destruction when denied the food that sustains them. Warning: graphic violence and disturbing imagery. The "Target Goldfish" episode may be shocking to sensitive viewers

NCIS: Your Brother's Room
A suburban home is turned upside down when the entire contents of a dresser drawer are found on the floor of an eight-year-old boy. Tensions flare as he is unable to find the ONE soccer jersey that he wants to wear today. You know? That one? It's red? No, not that one, Mom! WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO ME? I HATE THIS FAMILY! What? It's in my brother's room? WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS STEALING MY STUFF? I HATE YOUUUUUU!

Survivor Suburbia
Two boys are left to fend for themselves in the wilds of suburban Dallas. The rules of society quickly break down (like, in the first ten minutes) as they squabble over a game of Twister and half a Twizzlers package. Bed sheets are torn apart and turned into tribal flags, a barter system is quickly established using juice boxes and Rice Krispy treats, and political dominance is established through physical prowess and really, really loud screaming. A must-watch for the elementary set, Season 1 ends with a cliffhanger when Mom comes home from work and finds out Dad took a nap.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Reality TV Shows of my dreams

I'm not hugely into reality shows, because if I watch TV, it's because I've run out of things to read and I am heading AWAY from reality, not toward it. But if I do, I don't want to watch another episode of The Bachelorette or any show where people eat scorpions or yell at each other. I'd like something new, something fun - something I could really enjoy while downing a glass (or three) of wine.

So in case anyone's asking, here's a few ideas for new reality tv shows:

1. The Real Tired Moms of Every County. Follow the exciting lives of working moms and SAHMs as they fight to stay conscious while entertaining kids/working on power point presentations and making dinner nobody eats. Like ever. All while secretly wishing every day was a national holiday devoted to drinking margaritas and flirting with cabana boys.

2. 2 kids and counting... till happy hour! I don't think this needs explaining. If so, I got a couple "energetic" boys you could borrow for the day. You'll get it.

3. Master Chef: Family Meltdown. Gordon Ramsay visits your home and yells at everyone to come to the #$%^ table and eat this @#$% dinner you bloody well #$$^ just cooked. Bonus? Your kids finally @#$$ eat.

4. Extreme Mom Makeover: a team of experts sweeps into town, gives an unsuspecting mom fabulous hair and a new wardrobe from somewhere that does not also sell milk and dog food, plies her with wine, redoes her house and send the entire family to group therapy while Mom hits the club. With the cabana boy.

5. The Getaway Girls New Orleans Reality Show: yes, shameless book plug but hear me out. Let loose 4 grown women in the Big Easy, hide a pile of money and clues all over town, add lots of booze, a dash of voodoo and possibly strippers. Think Survivor meets Twilight meets The Big Easy meets The Amazing Race meets ... well ... strippers. It's got sex, mojitos and great hair.

Now who wouldn't want to see that?