Saturday, December 12, 2015

All I want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

You probably don't remember me, but I'm the one who keeps threatening that you won't come if my kids don't stop trying to kill each other. Yeah, I know. Me and every other parent. Doesn't really work, either -- they seem to have an unstoppable magnetic force that makes them shove each other into furniture. Oh and they've already written you pages full of stuff they want. Spoiler alert: there's a lot of Pokemon this year. Sorry elves, those cards look like a real pain -- what the hell is a Charzon anyway?

If you've got a second, I've written in a few requests of my own. I think I've been mostly good this year -- and by "mostly" I mean not exactly bad. Like I'm not a saint or anything, but I'm not ISIS. (PS -- those guys are your naughty list. Period. I just saved you an entire season of wasting your time watching billions of kids. You're welcome).

So these are totally just suggestions, but I thought maybe if you're looking to jazz up your repertoire, you could take a crack at one or two ...

1. A new job for our Elf on the Shelf. He was cute for like a week. But lately he just doesn't want to move and he never turned in one of those cute "doctor notes" so my kids expect something exciting! And New! Every! Day! Some people's elves are really, really good at it - you know who I mean, they're hilarious yet whimsical, like magical fairies spun from irony and Pinterest. Alex, our elf, is more chill. He likes to hang out in the living room, reading. And contrary to what I had hoped, his choice in reading material did not, in fact, spark my children's interest in Harry Potter. I feel like Alex is ready for new challenges -- maybe next year Alex joins the Peace Corps or goes to find himself in Tibet. I hear Brad Pitt took seven years -- and I'm cool with that.

2. A magical glass that gives every sip of wine the nutritional equivalent of zero-calorie vitamin water. Before you laugh, hear me out. The ability to turn anything into water is a genius idea with life-saving potential. I mean, if you could make booze as healthy as water, you could change the world, one wine glass at a time. The fact that it will greatly reduce the impact of my cheezit-chardonnay consumption on the fit of my jeans is just an added bonus. Also, Santa? I hear someone else who's big this time of year could turn water into wine. I don't know you tight you are with JC, but can you say Best.Prank.Ever???

3. My car cleaned. And I mean really cleaned. Not like Car Spa clean, where they're always like, yeah lady we can get your car detailed and then they start looking at all the milk shake stains and the crushed Cheetos and three hours later they are still laughing at me. I want elf-magic clean. I want the seats to actually repel the crackers and the Gatorade back into my kids' hands. I want the smell of old french fries banished, to be replaced by the soft scent of lavender, primeval pine and unrealized dreams. Think Enya meets Pitbull meets Jo Malone.

4. About three more years worth of sleep. Real sleep, not the kind where a six-year-old is kicking your back. Sleep in a bed without children. Or the dog scratching or walking around, sighing - and what does a golden retriever even have to sigh about, anyway? Is she regretting the entire steak she devoured raw off the kitchen counter? Somehow, I doubt it.

5. Also along those lines, could you fix my phone which on some mornings wakes me at 4:45 am even though I deleted that alarm from my phone like three times? Really, if you look at my phone settings, that alarm does not exist. And yet. Every Monday, some Tuesdays, most Wednesdays and the occasional Thursday - there it is. Maybe it was set by ghosts. In which case -- well played, malicious spirits. But seriously, knock it off.

6. Magic laundry fairies. I'm good at getting the laundry into the washing machine. My husband is good at getting it into the dryer. Where we both are lacking is in the folding and -- especially -- putting away of the kids' clothes part. Yeah, I know, I should have trained my children to put away their own clothing by now. It's just that when I try that, I notice those clothes mostly end up shoved in their closet, which leads to 7:30 am meltdowns because I CAN'T FIND MY SHORTS MOM. NO NOT THAT PAIR, THE OTHER ONES! NO OF COURSE I CAN'T WEAR ANY OTHER PAIR! THERE IS ONLY ONE PAIR IN THE ENTIRE WORLD THAT MATCHES MY ORANGE UNDER ARMOR SHIRT AND I NEEEEEEEEEED IT NOOOOOOWWWW!!!! So just saying, a little laundry help would be much appreciated.

7. This last one is not just for me -- it's for all the ladies in my office. We want the name of that guy at work who looks like Prince Harry so we can prove to everyone who hasn't seen him that he really exists. Really, the resemblance is uncanny. And when he gets into an elevator all the women dissolve into giggles. Now I realize this is all sounding ridiculous, but Santa, have you ever been in a corporate office building? It's ... well, not the most exciting environment. So when something -- anything -- causes a group of otherwise rational women to act like we're twelve again -- well, it is greatness. But here's the thing -- there are other women we work with who have never, ever seen him. He's like a unicorn, Santa, and only those who have seen him believe. If we could just pin down his name, we could pass it around to all the other ladies in my office so they could org-chart stalk him.

This is such a tiny thing, but it would bring joy to so many. And really, isn't that what Christmas is all about?