Wednesday, December 31, 2014

On the 7th Day of Christmas I wrote some New Year's Resolutions

Every year I make up silly resolutions I never keep. Last year. I departed from the usual format by coming up with easier ones, such as drinking more wine and eating pecans. Am really, really getting tired of pecans. This year, I decided in honor of my blog tour to do something different. Instead of resolutions for me to keep, I've written a list of resolutions that the characters in The Getaway Girls might have concocted. If they were real people, who cared about such things. And why wouldn't they, I mean even a flesh-eating scavenger has goals, right?

So without further ado, I present the 2015 New Year's Resolutions as imagined by Carl, Declan, Xavier and Audrey from The Getaway Girls: A New Orleans Tale of Monsters, Mayhem and Moms

Kids, don't try these at home.

1. Overthrow vampires and take back New Orleans. Again. Really, how many times do I have to rout out these bloodsuckers? Frankly, it's tiresome. Note: look into ways to rid entire planet of vampires or at least drive them to someplace I've no intention of visiting. Possibly Ohio.

2. Take up golf.
(And by "take up" I mean ravage an attractive female golfer)

3. Lower cholesterol. Only slash throats of extremely fit young ladies, or, if tempted by the plumper ones, consider Lipitor.

4. Also, rise from dead.

1. Do NOT allow scavengers to take back New Orleans. They have terrible manners. Draining a young lady's neck is one thing, ripping it to shreds is simply tacky.

2. Have underground coffin-recliners re-upholstered in a stain-resistant fabric. (Scotch-guard?)

3. Find that dishy Audrey and "persuade" her to destroy scavenger colony in Jamaica. Teensy favor, really.

4. Start taking vitamins. This body won't be around forever, you know. Oh, wait ... yes it will.

1. Stop making stupid vampire movies. Unless they offer me loads of money.

2. Never forget Audrey & keep the memory of our night together sacred forever ... or, at least until the next supermodel comes along.

3. Find cure for scavenger curse and rid planet of all scavengers and vampires. In between movie shoots.

4. F** vitamins, drink more cocktails.

1. Avoid hotel bars. Also, burning buildings.

2. Forget Declan. He's trouble.

3. Consider online dating. (Does eHarmony screen for blood lust?)

4. Book next girls' trip somewhere safer. Possibly Ohio. Or Jamaica.