These are actual conversations I've had with my dog and my kids while working from home.
Sometimes it's hard to tell who's worse.
Me: ok, I know you want to go for a walk, but I've got a 9 am call first. Soon as it's done, we'll go, ok?
Charlie: stares at me with puppy eyes that could melt Mitch McConnell* and when that doesn't work, he lunges at a rubber chicken on the floor.
Me: No, please not the rubber chicken. I have a CALL.
Charlie: casually tosses chicken into the air. (Did I mention the chicken squeaks)?
Me: mutes my phone just as Charlie begins a game of catch-the-rubber-chicken with himself. I wave at the dog desperately because I know I'm going to have to unmute shortly. He ignores me and pounces again on the chicken. I give up and pray I don't have to speak.
Charlie: senses I'm on mute, stops tossing the chicken and lies down casually, as if to say, oh this old thing? I hardly even noticed it was there. Of course I can stop and be completely quiet while you're on a call.
Me: hears the round table of Teams updates making its way toward my area, unmutes myself and...
Me: mutes self, cursing
Me: glares, powerless
Charlie: shakes his fur, glares at the retreating back of another dog being walked past our window and then looks at me smugly.
"You're welcome" is very much implied.
Me: hey guys, I'm getting on a call. It's a short one, but I have to speak, so I just need everyone to be quiet for like 30 minutes.
Parker: Could you move out of the way? You're blocking the game.
Luke: doesn't look up from phone.
Me: ok, thanks guys. Closes door, gets on call, starts speaking and...
Parker: (from the den) OMG YOU SUCK! Stomps out of den, leaves door open, goes to bathroom & also slams that door.
Luke: PARKER, YOU $%%^^^, YOU LET THE DOG IN AND HE ATE MY BAGEL!
Me: frantically gestures at my kids, because I am SPEAKING, a fact which no longer matters amid the teen boy yelling and my bracelets clanging together as I wave my arms desperately, trying to get their attention. The sounds from my microphone sound less like a conference call and more like a cage match at Abercrombie and Fitch.
Parker: OMG YOU'RE SUCH A D***, MOM's on a CALL! Slams door to the den.
Me: thinks - well, at least the door's shut. Continues call and we're almost done and...
Luke: suddenly appears in front of my desk literally out of thin air, like something from The Omen, hissing, I HATE HIM!
Me: (on a call) Sure, I can make that change and get you back an updated draft by the end of the day...
Parker: races out the den, prompting the dog to chase him.
Me: waves hands around, mouthing, i'M oN a cAlL!
Charlie: thinks hand waving is an invitation to play, romps through living room, steps on rubber chicken.
Me: head starts spinning in the manner of Linda Blair from The Exorcist.
Parker: come on, Charlie - leads dog back into the kitchen and gives him a treat - probably something he shouldn't have, and I don't care.
Me: resumes speaking, thinking PHEW, dodged that one.
Parker: jogs through the living room, stops at my desk and waves hello. There's a gleam in his eye that I just don't trust.
Me: shakes head, silently screaming, don't do it, please don't do it, don't say anything inappropriate...
Parker: (whispers) PE**S!
Me: hits mute so hard I almost knock over my laptop.
Parker: grins. LOVE YOU MOM!
*Just kidding, nothing could do that