And the Oscar goes to...

Today is Oscar Sunday, or as I think of it, my Super Bowl, and generally one of my favorite days of the year. This year feels a little different, given the state of the world. And on one hand, it feels surreal to celebrate while leaders are pretending wrong is right and our friends are our enemies.

On the other hand, art has always been there in the midst of chaos, fighting the good fight since...well, forever. And it deserves recognition. So now does not seem like the right time to give an inch on joy.

With that in mind, here are my reviews of the Best Picture nominees ranked from least to most favorite. 

10. Anora - the fact that this is my least favorite is less the film's fault and more mine. I read the description and thought sex worker/son of Russian oligarch = meet cute! Obviously that was on me. I'm also not the hugest fan of the whole "kidnapper who gets the girl" trope, so it felt like a weird take on Pedro Almodovar's "Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!" I enjoyed the Brooklyn setting more than the story, but I know a lot of people loved this, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

9. Dune Part Two - don't come for me, there was nothing wrong with this movie, I'm just not a huge sci-fi fan. Plus, I read the book a million years ago, and as I recall, that book was pretty spicy (pun intended) and this film was beautifully shot, but kind of bland. My youngest son Luke loved it, and I made the mistake of saying that I had seen Dune in the 80s when Sting was in it, to which Luke said, "who is Sting?" Ouch.

8. Emilia Perez -- I love a musical and given what I knew about the story, I was hoping for something along the lines of Kiss of the Spider Woman. But instead, the musical numbers felt more like Waiting for Guffman minus the humor of Christopher Guest. And that was my feeling throughout the film - it felt like parody of some pretty serious subjects, but not in a funny way. Also, if you're going to make a movie that is so specific to place and not shoot it in that place, I think you need a more compelling reason than wanting to shoot where you know how to control the light. It's Mexico, not Mars; they have light there, too.

7. The Brutalist - Adrien Brody's performance was great and I enjoyed the design/architectural scenes. My only complaint is that three and a half hours is a long time. If you're going to make a movie that requires an intermission, it better be so compelling and sweeping, or trying to capture a beloved book, that you just cannot do it justice without that extra hour.  Otherwise, it seems a little arrogant to assume your greatness overrides most people's attention span. That being said, I still want to go back and watch the second half that I couldn't stay awake for. 

6. The Substance - first, let me say this is my #6 pick only because I liked 1-5 better; this was a really compelling movie. Disgusting? Yes. Did I make a mistake by watching it while eating dinner? Also yes. But did it nail the revolting nature of what we do to ourselves in the name of beauty? 100% yes. Demi Moore's performance was outstanding. Also, I love that a horror movie made the Best Pic nominee list and I hope to see more. 

5.  A Complete Unknown - this was an actor-driven film and Timothée Chalamet delivered. He said in his SAG award speech that he spent five years working on this performance, and I can believe it. Also, it captured a time and a place which is such a part of American lore, that it felt really cool to experience it. I wasn't around in 1960s New York, but thanks to this movie, I felt like I got a tiny glimpse.

4. Nickel Boys - heartbreaking, intense, beautifully and uniquely shot. Another slice of America history from the 60s, which was cruel and hard to watch, but important to see. And can someone please explain to me why this isn't nominated for cinematography? 

3. Wicked - as I said earlier, I'm a sucker for a musical. But I'd never seen a production of Wicked. So I went in without having anything to compare it to, although I had a vague idea of the story and the songs. And I absolutely loved it. Gorgeously colorful and sparkly and fun. When "Popular" came on, I think I might have squealed, because both my kids started laughing at me. I thought both Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande were fantastic and I will definitely see the second one. (Also, to anyone complaining this was "woke," I suggest you read the book).

2. Conclave -- I had zero expectations for this, other than it had a really good cast. But honestly I thought it would be a little boring. I was wrong. It was suspenseful, thrilling, and kept me wanting to know more. I started watching with my oldest, and he had to leave about halfway through, and asked me not to finish watching it until he got home. Sometimes if you stop a movie and then resume it later, it loses some of its momentum, but we picked this back up the next day, and it was like we'd never stopped. 

Which leaves....drumroll....

1. I'm Still Here - this movie blew me away. It lures you in with warmth and laughter and music, so much so, that despite knowing what this movie is about, you want to think everything will be ok. You see the creeping threat of a military takeover at the same time as the Paiva family, and you feel the horror along with them. Relevant, relentless and inspiring, this is my #1 pick for Best Picture. And Fernanda Torres is my pick for Best Actress.

So come 7pm (ok, 5 because not even existential dread will keep me from red carpet coverage), I'm parking myself in front of the TV watching to see who wins. And because I've never met a theme I didn't like, of course I am making a menu around my top Oscar picks:

Dessert - Wicked - green and pink dipped Oreos

Main - Conclave - rigatoni amatriciana*

           Starter - I'm Still Here - blue cheese-Manchego soufflé with (not pictured) guava fig compote

And no, I have never made a soufflé before in my life and no, this is not the most practical of times to be using five eggs in one dish. But serving soufflé on the brink of disaster seems like something Eunice Paiva would definitely have done.

Boa sorte & may the best picture win!

 

*Yes I know I took some liberties, but I am not paying $20/lb for guanciale when bacon and Italian sausage are cheaper.

Lights, camera, action

My favorite day of the year is back again -- it's the Superbowl of Cinema, the March Madness of Movies, the Thanksgiving of Theater...it's Oscar Sunday!

Everyone in my house has been sick off and on for the past month so I'm not up to my usual shenanigans and didn't have it me to host anything or plan an elaborately themed meal. 

But.... I'm congenitally unable to resist a food theme, so I'm having a few things in honor of my personal favorites among the Best Pic category:

- Anatomy of a Fall - fondue (ok, the pre-packaged fondue blend from Aldi)

- Barbie - sparkling rose 

- The Holdovers - cherries jubilee

I'm also making black-tie baked spaghetti, which is my take on Millionaire's spaghetti because I'm watching the Oscars with my kids and it's generally frowned upon to serve teens a meal of wine, melted cheese and cherries. Plus, not to give anything away, but there's a pivotal scene in one of the nominated films in which the main character stops in the middle of a vicious fight with her husband to compliment the pasta. Linguine, j'accuse!

As of last night, I finished watching all the best pic nominees. I'm not going to attempt to review of all of them, mostly because I *may* have fallen asleep during a few scenes. But I will share my rambling highlights from the ones that stood out most to me.

- Best Picture - I know Oppenheimer is the favorite, but I'd go with The Zone of Interest. In a category with several movies about major historical/humans-being -awful events, to me this was the strongest & most haunting. 

- Most Enjoyable - The Holdovers. It's hard to go wrong with Paul Giamatti, plus Da'Vine Joy Randolph was fantastic & I am a sucker for a food scene. I almost made an entire holiday meal today just so I could say, "family style, out of the oven, all the trimmings," but then I remembered I actually want to watch the Oscars, not carve a ham. 

- Best legal/psychological drama AND best performance by a dog - Anatomy of a Fall. Loved the plot, the acting - and the scenery wasn't too shabby, either. This movie kept me guessing the whole time. Also, this was one where I re-watched the second half of this movie the next night, just to see some of the scenes again.  IMHO, it would have been better had they trimmed off about 30 minutes, but c'est la vie. 

Best Movie about an American Icon - Barbie. I almost never go to the actual movie theater (because time + kids + money = streaming) but this was a "put on your pink and spring for the overpriced ticket" experience. Greta Gerwig did not disappoint, it was a fantastic production, loved all the shout-outs to Barbies past (how did Kate McKinnon know that was the exact same haircut I gave my weird Barbie?) & more meaningful than I might have expected. 

Best Movie to Answer the Question - what if Wes Anderson & Tim Burton Made Porn - Poor Things. I feel like this was a movie you either hated or loved, and I guess it was the money shots of brain matter that put me in the former camp. But, hey, not everything is for everybody. Also, I will say nice set design. 

Best Acting -  Lily Gladstone, Killers of the Flower Moon. She kept the momentum going for three-and-a-half hours and I don't know how anyone does that. She was able to convey moments of extreme strength and moments of extreme sickness and then come full circle. There were a lot of great acting performances, but to me, hers stood out the most. 

Best docu-short - I would have loved to see The ABCs of Book Banning, but I don't have Paramount Plus. So my pick based on the two that I saw would be The Last Repair Shop. Just an incredible slice of life kind of movie. And a good reminder of how music changes people's lives. Bonus shout out to Nai Nai and Wai Po, which was also really good. 

Best Cameo Performance by a Shark - Nyad. Annette Bening and Jodie Foster were no slouches in this film, either. Also what a crazy impressive story. I mean, I love swimming, but not if it requires a shark tank. Stories of perseverance against the odds are not uncommon movie themes, but you don't usually see stories like that for women of a certain age. A good reminder that it ain't over till it's over, whether you're fighting against your demons or for your dreams.

Speaking of which, my dream is to one day see an actual red carpet - but in the meantime, E! awaits.

Happy Oscar watching - and may the odds and the awards be ever in your favor!

Nathan's Famous

Today is the 4th of July. Which means two very important things in my house: the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog eating contest and the annual watching of Jaws. 

Why Nathan's? In 2006, two important things happened to change the course of history.

 1. Takeru Kobayashi won his sixth and final title at Nathan's in Coney Island.

2.  My oldest son was born, but first he attended (in utero) the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.

Some people can say they've seen Michelangelo's David in Florence. Others have run with the bulls in Pamploma, Spain. I've been to Coney Island for the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.

We'd moved to NY months earlier and I challenged myself to learn the subway system by picking random destinations and trying to reach them by train. Wall Street, then the West Village - and then I upped the ante by venturing out of Manhattan to Coney Island. It was mid-week, early spring and chilly. The rides were still, the boardwalk was empty, gray and peaceful. I walked around by myself and of course, I strolled over to Stillwell and had a Nathan's Famous. (With mustard and ketchup, don't come at me, anti-ketchup brigade).

Long before Nathan's, I'd considered myself a friend of the frank. I've enjoyed the Chicago-style with pickles and sport peppers (sport peppers just sound zippy, don't they?), Detroit Coneys with chili and mustard, and I've been known to have one (or two) foot-long Lucky Dogs, best consumed on a street in the French Quarter at 2 a.m. outside a karaoke bar.

But there's just something about a hot dog eaten in a 100-year-old restaurant on a blustery day in Brooklyn that sticks with you. So when I saw the contest advertised that 4th of July, it seemed like the most obvious choice for celebrating our nation's independence.

I did not anticipate two very key factors. One was that everyone else had the same idea and quiet Coney Island in March is not the same as hot, crowded Coney Island in July. Also, four months pregnant + the steamy pavement and sunshine and sweat of NYC summer = misery. 

But I stuck it out long enough to see (sort of ) Takeru Kobayashi down his final dogs of glory. 

That was my first and only time to see the contest in person, having moved back to Texas the following summer. But ever since ESPN started broadcasting it on TV, I've adopted it as my annual patriotic tradition.

Because I challenge you to find anything more quintessentially American than George Shea whipping a crowd into a frenzy over gluttony with such poetry as, "He is the citadel, and he shall endure forever, because he is freedom."

Give that man an honorary Tony, because the contest is American theater at its finest. If the Oscars are the pinnacle of cinema, then Stillwell Avenue in Brooklyn is the Hollywood of competitive eating and George Shea its ultimate master of ceremonies.

At my house, we relax in air conditioned comfort as we watch George Shea work the audience like a Vaudevillian on steroids in a boater hat. And then we make lunch...hot dogs, of course. Because 'Murica. 

It might seem strange or even grotesque to cook the same meat you've just watched Joey Chestnut down 60+ of in ten minutes, dipped in water first to soften them, wincing as you watch  the others gag, trying to force yet another down. Futile, you know, because Chesnut is seemingly unbeatable.

But I remember that anything is possible in these contests. After all, if a first time mother-to-be, full of hopes and dreams and heartburn, took the Q train on a sticky, summer day to watch a group of strangers shovel sausage and squishy bread down their throat, there are no limits.

How do you measure greatness? With a frank, a bun and a dream.

I'm ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille

Yes, once again, it's that most magical of days -- the Academy Awards. The day that inspires me to watch something besides Emily in Paris or Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.

As usual, I've attempted - and failed - to watch all the Best Picture nominees. But I did see seven and to be fair, Top Gun & Avatar were sequels. Also, I read All Quiet on the Western Front, so surely that counts for something.

But not seeing all the movies didn't stop me from wanting to plan snacks around each of them, because if there's anything I love, it's a theme. To make it interesting (also to save money and time) I went with an Oscar Eve wine + cheese pairing...and by pairing I mean Prosecco and a whole lotta cheeses.

So here, in all their alphabetical order glory, are the nominees for Best Snacks...ahem, Picture

1. All Quiet on the Western Pretzel - war is hell, but you know what isn't? Peanut butter filled & yogurt-covered pretzels. 

2. Blue(berry) People of Avatar: The Way of Water- I didn't see this one, either, because I saw the first one and that's three hours of my life I'll never get back. 

3. Banshees of Irish Cheddar - now, I love Ireland as much as the next person. It produced 17% of my DNA and Colin Farrell. But this was a movie that could have been an email. A long, finger-cutting, spiteful email. That being said, it's my pick for Best Original screenplay, because the dialogue was as much of a character as anyone else.

4. Blue Suede Cheese - Elvis was a movie that surprised me. I kind of thought, meh, who needs another movie about the King, but it turns out lots of people did, including me. Unique perspective and the showy direction style was perfect for a story told by a carnie. Also, my pick for Best Actor, or at least Best Actor who is probably stuck talking like Elvis for the rest of his life.

5. Everything (but the bagel) Everywhere All at Once crackers - on first watch, I couldn't decide if I hated or loved it, but in my defense, I was tired. I'm going with loved it - because I want to watch it again just to pick up on all the little details I missed - and any movie you want to watch again is a good one. (Also how can you go wrong with a movie with a Deirdre as a character?) Michelle Yeoh is my pick for Best Actress & the movie is my pick for Best Picture.

6. "Challah" if you think Stephen Spielberg is the GOAT (cheese) - The Fabelmans was the first Best Pic nominee that I watched, and I really enjoyed it. Coming of age stories are usually pretty good - plus this one has the bonus of being made by a famous moviemaker about how he learned to love movies...I know Hollywood loves a movie about Hollywood, but honestly, I do, too. 

7. "Bach"late Chip Cookies -- Tar was intense and impressive. It wasn't my personal favorite, but really only because it didn't surprise me. I expect Cate Blanchett to deliver rock star performances, and she did that here.

8. I don't give a fig (and olive crisp) about Top Gun, but Monterey Jack is the real Maverick -- Everyone I know who has seen this movie really enjoyed it. I didn't see it only because I had a bad date in the 80s that ended with watching the first 15 minutes of the original Top Gun and I have sworn ever since never to finish that movie, and I figured why start now?

9. "Havarti" yourself a triangle of Danish cheese & Shipwrecked Scandinavian swimmers - Triangle of Sadness. Of all the movies I expected my 16-year-old to like, a Danish film about power and social hierarchy wouldn't have been my pick. But that's why I love the Oscars. Every year, we find at least one movie to watch together - and if that isn't the magic of cinema, I don't know what is. 

10. Women Talking (about my Queso Menonita*)  - this was my favorite movie, by far. One of absolute favorite types of movies are the quiet ones that blow you away, and this fits the bill. Subtle and powerful - and I liked the fact that it took something awful, but never let that awful be the focus of the story. 

 

BONUS - You know what's better than Vibranium? Chocolate! I know, I know, Black Panther: Wakanda Forever is not a Best Pic nominee, but my other son's favorite and my pick for Best Supporting Actress, so in honor of that film's precious substance, here's something almost as valuable...

May the Best Picture Win!

*I looked in three different stores for block Queso Menonita, but I finally found shredded Chihuaua queso at El Rancho, which then turned into actual "chips and queso" queso. Oh well, there are worst outcomes than liquid cheese.

 

Tik Tok Toe

Hi, my name's Deirdre and I'm doing TikTok wrong.

At least that's what my kids tell me.

Honestly, it took me a while to figure out the point of TikTok. At first, I thought it was for editing and publishing videos, like this one that I made to celebrate the last day of school during the first COVID semester, because I tend to combine celebrations with things that embarrass my children.

Then I thought it was a source for nonsense news, and every time my kids would say hey, "Is it true that..." I'd immediately accuse them of getting their information from TikTok and cross examine them with, "did you fact check this? Did it come from a creditable news source? Did you cross-reference against NPR? Was it published by actual journalists in a regional or city paper?" #supportlocaljournalism.

But turns out they were getting all that from YouTube. 

My bad.

Then I heard about a certain group of TikTokkers who reserved tickets for an event they had no intention of attending, thus making sure it wasn't well attended, and I thought, ok, that's kinda fun. Finally, I realized all these videos I kept seeing on Twitter all came from TikTok and I started searching for them, and I fell down the rabbit hole. 

Comedians

Funny bits by random people

Harry Potter spoofs (so many)  

And then...the food videos

I love to cook, I love to read cookbooks and apparently I also love to watch other people talking about food. 

Watch me pack lunch!

Here's what I got from Aldi! 

Here's how I feed my family of 10!

Here's what we eat for (insert holiday from any culture, if there's a meal, I want to see it)!

Let's make a Depression-era recipe using ingredients you don't want to eat together!

Watch me make a Minnesota salad! 

I could spend HOURS scrolling through my feed for food-related videos. 

I started sneaking TikTok recipes into our family meals, hoping to convince my teens to branch out in their eating. 

Three-ingredient ice cream!

Three-ingredient Fettucine Alfredo!

Three-ingredient coffee cream! (ok, that was for me)

Icebox cake!

Dessert charcuterie board!

Apple cider mimosas! (ok, that was also for me)

Sheet pan quesadilla!

Sheet pan pancakes!

Sheet pan anything!

It was the Boursin cheese pasta that finally broke us. 

I'd seen the feta tomato pasta, and was itching to try it. But then I saw Padma Lakshmi make linguine with boursin cheese and peas and OMG YES PLEASE. 

I served it on a Sunday night with roast chicken breasts and French bread, and the peas were on the side because this is not my first rodeo.

It was delicious, decadent, divine. 

Or, if you ask my kids...it was ok. 

"I GOT IT FROM TIKTOK," I said. 

"Meh," they said. 

"ARE YOU KIDDING THIS IS AMAZING!"

"I'm sure it is, Mom," said Luke, while piling a mountain of sliced chicken on his plate, carefully avoiding the pasta.

"Yeah, Mom," Parker said, pushing his fork into the linguine to make it look like he'd eaten some. "It was good. It's just, you know, I'm full already." 

"THAT'S NOT WHAT THE ICE CREAM SANDWICH IN YOUR HAND SAYS!"

That's when I just stopped talking and started muttering to myself about ungrateful teenagers. 

Glass half empty: they didn't eat it

Glass half full: they felt so guilty after my Boursin-fueled rant they actually offered to help with the dishes. 

So I backed off. 

I stopped incorporating TikTok foods into our meal plan.

Ok, that's a lie, I just stopped telling them that's what I was doing.  

And then my oldest Parker had my phone (probably because he couldn't find his, which...don't get me started) and said, "Mom, your TikTok feed is so boring. You follow the lamest people."

I said, "I follow funny things. Those people are hilarious. You just don't appreciate satire."

Parker held up my phone to me, showing someone making a Mississippi pot roast. "No, Mom, I don't appreciate crock pots."

That's when he told me I was doing TikTok all wrong. 

That's when I reminded him I paid for his phone.

That's when he handed mine back and stopped talking.

We no longer speak of the Boursin pasta.

Or what we follow on TikTok.

BUT

Two weeks ago, I couldn't help myself.

I made the TikTok green beans.

I casually let it slip as we were in the kitchen. "Oh these? I got the recipe from TikTok."

And then I waited. Told myself: be cool, man. 

Parker dished up first and he didn't take any beans.

I didn't say a thing. 

Then Luke dished up. 

"Some green beans?" I asked.

Luke shrugged and handed over his plate. I served him a modest amount. NBD, just some beans. That are green. And viral.

We sat down to eat. I took a bite and said, "wow, these are really good." And then mentally kicked myself for coming on too strong.

At first, nobody responded.

Then I watched as Luke picked up a green bean.

I was tempted to remind him to use his fork, but again, I said nothing. Memories of Boursin-laced linguine danced in my head as I watched him take a bite.

He ate the entire bean.

And then he said, "you know what, Mom?"

"What's that, sweetie," I asked, oh-so-casually.

He looked reflective, as he used a fleece blanket for a napkin instead of the actual napkin in his lap.

"These almost make me want to eat green beans."

And in my house, we call that a win.

Charlie the Escape Artist

Today I learned that my dog is a liar.

He spends most of his days sleeping (except when I want him to be quiet) and I'd call him pretty calm, apart from having anxiety when there's a party and he's not invited (try to exclude him from a mom happy hour and you will subject your friends to the howls of he-who-wants-attention-and-maybe-a-lemon-bar).

Most mornings as I get ready to leave for work, he jumps onto the couch, props his head up on the pillow and looks at me languidly as if to say, "I simply shan't move a muscle until you return." 

But today, there was an opportunity to escape and he took it.

A few weeks ago, I got a call from someone on the street next to mine who said my dog was in her yard. He has a tag with my phone number on it, so she called me. My sons and their dad found him, and the front door was found to be the culprit, as it was wide open.

I figured it was an isolated incident. That Parker and Luke had left the door open and he raced out after them. He's spent hours watching them play basketball through the front window, and I thought maybe he saw the chance to finally shoot some hoops. I didn't think he'd try to get out again.

I think differently now. 

I was at the office this morning, when I got a call from a neighborhood kid who called the number on Charlie's tag after he spotted him in a parking lot behind my alley. 

He said Charlie was out roaming around and he'd try to get him back to my house. 

My first thought was OMG the boys left the door open again.

My second thought was OMG the boys aren't even home.

My third thought was OMG the dog has figured out how to use a door knob. Or someone broke into my house, quickly saw the dog hair and mess and realized there was nothing of value, but they left the door open and Charlie chased after them. (Not to defend the house, but in case they had a treat).

I stormed out of my cubicle a la Sally Fields's frantic march down the hospital hallway in Steel Magnolias, only less Sally Fields and more frazzled and agitated (frazitated?). 

I drove to my neighborhood and caught up with them on the corner of the same street the other neighbor had found him (also where we sometimes walk). But Charlie had made it to the end of that street and was heading down a much busier road. I'm sure if the kid hadn't found him, he might have gotten hit by a car. 

I thanked him, he helped me get Charlie into my car and I drove him home and lo and behold -- my front door was cracked open. Turns out I haven't mastered my new door lock, and I thought it was locked, but it actually wasn't. (Yes it was the door's fault actually, somebody tell Ted Cruz). 

I'm extremely grateful to this kid, who followed my dog on his little adventure on a very hot day, and and I'm sure Charlie is, too...except that I'm equally sure Charlie thought it was the Best Thing Ever and would do it again in a heartbeat if given the chance. 

His wagging tail and giant canine grin said it all.

OMG MOM YOU KNOW WHERE WE GO ON WALKS BUT I'M ALWAYS ON A LEASH WELL TODAY I WALKED ALL BY MYSELF ALSO I MADE A NEW FRIEND AND CAN I HAVE SOME WATER?

So yeah, Charlie, I'm onto you. You're in trouble, Mister. I am serious. No more pepperoni for you, pal.

But just look at this face.

Tales from the Work-from-Home Front

These are actual conversations I've had with my dog and my kids while working from home.

Sometimes it's hard to tell who's worse.

Today

Me: ok, I know you want to go for a walk, but I've got a 9 am call first. Soon as it's done, we'll go, ok?

Charlie: stares at me with puppy eyes that could melt Mitch McConnell* and when that doesn't work, he lunges at a rubber chicken on the floor.

Me: No, please not the rubber chicken. I have a CALL. 

Charlie: casually tosses chicken into the air. (Did I mention the chicken squeaks)?

Me: mutes my phone just as Charlie begins a game of catch-the-rubber-chicken with himself. I wave at the dog desperately because I know I'm going to have to unmute shortly. He ignores me and pounces again on the chicken. I give up and pray I don't have to speak.

Charlie: senses I'm on mute, stops tossing the chicken and lies down casually, as if to say, oh this old thing? I hardly even noticed it was there. Of course I can stop and be completely quiet while you're on a call.

Me: hears the round table of Teams updates making its way toward my area, unmutes myself and...

Charlie: AROORORRRRRRAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Me: mutes self, cursing

Charlie: RAHRRRRAROOOOOOOOO

Me: glares, powerless 

Charlie: shakes his fur, glares at the retreating back of another dog being walked past our window and then looks at me smugly. 

"You're welcome" is very much implied.

Last week

Me: hey guys, I'm getting on a call. It's a short one, but I have to speak, so I just need everyone to be quiet for like 30 minutes.

Parker: Could you move out of the way? You're blocking the game.

Luke: doesn't look up from phone.

Me: ok, thanks guys. Closes door, gets on call, starts speaking and...

Parker: (from the den) OMG YOU SUCK! Stomps out of den, leaves door open, goes to bathroom & also slams that door.

Luke: PARKER, YOU $%%^^^, YOU LET THE DOG IN AND HE ATE MY BAGEL!

Me: frantically gestures at my kids, because I am SPEAKING, a fact which no longer matters amid the teen boy yelling and my bracelets clanging together as I wave my arms desperately, trying to get their attention. The sounds from my microphone sound less like a conference call and more like a cage match at Abercrombie and Fitch. 

Parker: OMG YOU'RE SUCH A D***, MOM's on a CALL! Slams door to the den.

Me: thinks - well, at least the door's shut. Continues call and we're almost done and...

Luke: suddenly appears in front of my desk literally out of thin air, like something from The Omen, hissing, I HATE HIM!

Last Month

Me: (on a call) Sure, I can make that change and get you back an updated draft by the end of the day...

Parker: races out the den, prompting the dog to chase him.

Me: waves hands around, mouthing, i'M oN a cAlL!

Charlie: thinks hand waving is an invitation to play, romps through living room, steps on rubber chicken.

Me: head starts spinning in the manner of Linda Blair from The Exorcist.

Parker: come on, Charlie - leads dog back into the kitchen and gives him a treat - probably something he shouldn't have, and I don't care.

Me: resumes speaking, thinking PHEW, dodged that one.

Parker: jogs through the living room, stops at my desk and waves hello. There's a gleam in his eye that I just don't trust.

Me: shakes head, silently screaming, don't do it, please don't do it, don't say anything inappropriate...

Parker: (whispers) PE**S!

Me: hits mute so hard I almost knock over my laptop.

Parker: grins. LOVE YOU MOM!

*Just kidding, nothing could do that