New Year's Resolutions

I'm late with my resolutions this year, but it's never to late to resolve to do a bunch of things that may or may not happen.

I didn't achieve all of last year's and I can tell already you one thing I won't be making a goal this year: a juice fast.

But I'm a sucker for goals, so here goes..

1. I will finish the novel I am working on. I'm pretty sure this has been on my list for, like, three years in a row. This time, I mean it. Actually I only have about 20 more pages of revisions to work through, and then there's that little matter of the final chapter which I didn't really write yet. Minor detail.

2. Join the polar bear club. When I first started writing these at the end of December, this was going to be my "easy" one because I'd already registered for the swim. I thought this was pretty clever because I'd automatically start off the New Year already having achieved a goal. WIN!

Unfortunately, on Dec. 31 my son developed a sudden, raging ear infection. Which I did not realize until the evening, at which point, it was too late to take him to the pediatrician and I thought the urgent care place would be a drunken, germy two-hour purgatory.

And then the infection got much, much worse. So I guess the lesson here is go to PrimaCare early on New Year's Eve if your kid has even the slightest thing wrong, because at 7 am on Jan 1, nothing else was open and instead of starting my new year by jumping into a freezing pool, I started my new year by forking over a nice, fat ER copay. Who's clever now?

I'm keeping it on the list anyway - because maybe I'll just randomly jump into our pool this winter. It could happen. I did it last year to amuse the kids. And then a certain spouse posted it to Youtube and Facebook and I looked ridiculous.

Really, this one just needs to go, doesn't it? Plus, why am I trying to imitate polar bears anyway? They eat people.

3. I will learn how to use Uber. I know, I know. Everyone else is already using it. Here's the thing: months ago, I installed the app on my phone and accidentally requested a ride and the guy on the phone was super aggressive and all "I'm cheaper than a taxi!" and I tried to explain that while I totally believed him, I did not actually need a ride just then, and then he seemed to get angry at me, and the whole experience was entirely too stressful. Then, of course, there was the infamous driver here in Dallas who assaulted a woman and all I could think was, maybe that was the same guy.

I mean, clearly he had an anger management issue, maybe he was a rapist, too. Or maybe he just really, really wanted me to know about his cheap fares. But no matter, this year I will conquer my uber-phobia.

(Note to everyone: if I end up chopped to pieces by a psychopathic Uber driver someday, this is what they call "foreshadowing" and you can FB it to everyone with lots of comments like "eerie" and "OMG that is SO creepy" as an example of what NOT to choose for a New Year's resolution).

That's it. Those are all my resolutions.

Sure, I could aim for exercising more, yelling less and cutting out wine, but why?

I signed up for a half marathon in March because I am an idiot, so I'm already exercising more.

Plus, I'm realistic about my maternal skills and ability to remain calm amid the inescapable chaos of my house.

Patience, particularly when dealing with math homework, is best served with Chardonnay.