Tuesday, January 8, 2013

So last week I tried to compile a 'best and worst' movie list for 2012.  As it turns out, I could only come up with a couple worst movies, one of which may or may not have actually been made this year.  In honor of the upcoming Golden Globes, I decided I could do better.

My problem was that I tend to forget only slightly crummy movies and there just weren't that many lame ones I saw this year.  Because when you pay a sitter every time you see a film, you do your damn research - and I don't waste sitter time on crap.  I do, however, have an excellent memory for really awful movies seen in years past - and sure, they're not up for awards right now (or ever) but perhaps this list will save somebody else from wasting a night's Netflix.  So without further ado, I present:

The Getaway Girl's Top Five WORST MOVIES EVER

1.  Junebug - basic premise is that a man from North Carolina leaves his NYC pad for a visit home with his fancy East Coasty wife, who his family has never met.  Like ever. Oh, and they go back home so the wife can meet some funky old folk artist.  The whole story seems on the surface like it should be a lot of fun with its quirky indie Southern vibe.  Only thing is, there's a spunky, cute pregnant sister-in-law (Amy Adams - best part of the movie) and - SPOILER ALERT - her baby DIES.  I should probably mention here that I was very pregnant when I watched this.  So yeah, there's that bias which may or may not have impacted my enjoyment of the film.  Sorry, maybe this one isn't that bad - but don't watch it if you're pregnant!

2.  Mail Order Bride - again, sounded funny.  But basically, it was this super gross guy sexually mistreating his immigrant wife.  Oh yeah, barrels of laughs.  Only movie I have ever demanded my money back from Blockbuster from - remember that place?

3.  Any of the new Star Wars movies - I'm sorry, but really?  I saw Star Wars.  In the EIGHTIES when it came out.  Harrison Ford.  Chewbacca.  Cool stuff.  I don't even know who or what the hell this one was about, all I know is that I had to take my teenage brother-in-law and his girlfriend and it was the longest 2 hours (and more) of my life.  I wanted to fall asleep, I may have - I don't know, it felt that long

4.  Koyaanisqatsi  - Jesus.  It's this movie with this song that never ends and all these people coming and going on a damn escalator, and there's no plot or dialogue or anything but that fucking song . . . at least, that's all I saw before I went to bed.  Also, I saw it with a boyfriend who I wanted to think I liked it, because clearly he did, but some things you just can't fake. 

5.  Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer - this one really shouldn't require explanation, but I can't help myself.  Imagine it's the early 90s, you're in college with friends and one of your best guy pals tells you about this movie you just HAVE to rent.  And he tells you the title and you're all, "Really?  Serial killers?"  But he's all, "No, seriously, it's funny, you HAVE to see it!"  So you squat down in the common room to reserve the ONE VCR for the dorm, because again, it's '91 and there are no iPods or Netflix or anything.  We had to walk five miles barefoot to Sno-White Video and we were damn glad to do it!  Anyway, so you watch it and it's just . . . nasty.  Seriously.  Yes, it had maybe one or two funny moments by accident, but that is not even remotely enough to describe the movie as a comedy, Adam Howard!  I'd tell you more, but I can't really describe it without probably triggering some super creepy porn. 

In fact, now that I've finished this list I have to go take a shower.