Thursday, February 27, 2014

2014 Oscar Menu

It’s almost here; the evening when I sit glued to the television ogling glittering gowns while wearing yoga pants and a Cubs’ t-shirt. Yes, the glamour, the glitz, the glory of Matthew McConaughey in a tuxedo (shirtless, please? “It’d be a whole cooler if you did.”)

It can only be … The Oscars.

Each Academy Awards season, I try to concoct a meal based on the Best Picture nominees. This year, I said I wasn’t going to – too busy, scrambling to finish the manuscript for another novel and wiped out from work/kids/the looming threat of a dog everyone in my family keeps lobbying for … I had all the excuses ready and I just said not this year.

I lied. Credit goes to my husband, who despite LOATHING award shows was appalled when I declared 2014 to be the year I didn’t make my Oscar meal. Declaring, “If I’m going to sit through your stupid 3 hour show, we’re not half-assing it,” he then proceeded to download Nebraska from Netflix and proposed his own Oscar menu:

Captain Phillips: Fish sticks from Long John Silvers
Dallas Buyers Club: steak
Nebraska: corn on the cob
Gravity: Pop rocks
Philomena: English biscuits
12 Years a Slave: “cotton” candy
American Hustle: a wig
Her: blowup doll
The Wolf of Wall Street: fried wolf

I had to admire his ingenuity, but Long John Silvers for the Oscars? Not on my watch, pal. Not to mention the difficulty of obtaining fresh wolf meat in Dallas this time of year. Sure, we could probably pick up a blow-up doll and a wig off Central Expressway, but I’m certainly not dining with one. Though it does have a certain Wolf of Wall Street ring of excess. . .

So, having decided against rubber dinner companions or semi-frozen seafood, I had no choice but to come up with my own Oscar menu. Admittedly, it includes a lot more components I don’t actually have to cook – which I feel is a fitting nod to JLaw’s domestic skills in American Hustle.

Without further ado, may I present the 2014 Oscar Menu:

Champagne (Wolf of Wall Street)
Samosas (Captain Phillips)
Irish cheddar (Philomena)

Salad with Dorothy Lynch dressing (Nebraska)
Garlic bread (American Hustle)
Pizza (Her)
Llano Estacado TX cabernet (Dallas Buyers Club)

Moon pies (Gravity) & blackberries (12 Years a Slave)

Bon appetit - and keep your fingers crossed for good ol' Matthew Sunday night -- because wouldn't it be awesome if 2 years in a row, the Academy Awards went to guys who got their start in Dazed & Confused?

"You just gotta keep livin' man, L-I-V-I-N."

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Yesterday morning at 7:53 a.m., I received an email from Ashley Madison.

The subject line read as follows:
Life is short. Have an affair.

Whoa, y’all. Buy a girl some Starbucks first. After I stopped laughing, I did a little research. For those of you who don’t know, Ashley Madison is a website for people who want to have affairs… but I guess, lack the time or the right contacts to make that happen on their own?

Is that a thing now? Are we so lazy and impersonal as a society we can’t even find people in real life to cheat with? Back when Grandma was a girl, they didn’t have websites. They had the milkman.

And who came up with the name? It sounds like a furniture store. Maybe that’s the point – so spouses don’t see those emails and suspect a steamy rendezvous; they just think you’re just buying a new ottoman.

There were so many things about this email that brought up questions I never knew I had, like how did I get on that email list? Usually when you get on the list for something, it’s through something you purchased or signed up for. So that really got me thinking. Was it the lime green personal organizer I recently purchased on Amazon that revealed an as yet-untapped proclivity for looser morals? Or maybe it was the array of summer sausage I recently purchased from Bavaria Smokehouse. (Feel free to insert your own meat joke here). The last thing I signed up for was the homeowner’s association, and I’m pretty sure if our ‘hood was a hotbed of swingers, the dues would be more than $50.

And what’s with the early roll call, Ash Mad? Is 7:53 am the prime time people make the choice to cheat? Like 11:15 is too close to lunch, and after 8pm people are too busy watching Mad Men? Me, I’d need some coffee before entertaining thoughts of adultery.

Then I opened the email. And laughed even more.

How can a company organize an entire site devoted to illicit relationships, yet not figure out how to send emails that actually work? Here’s what I saw: two broken links. That’s it. Can you imagine the letdown from someone who was actually thrilled to get this email, and possibly would have been swayed into a new lifestyle of cheap motel rooms and late night sexting? (Or whatever it is the kids, ahem, grownups, today are doing).

Heads up, Cheaters: Learn HTML.