Sunday, July 7, 2013

Top Five Reasons Not to Take a Scavenger to 4th of July

So it's a little late, but after spending a week or so on vacation, I thought of...
Top Five Reasons Not to Take a Scavenger to See 4th of July Fireworks

1.  Um, there's fire? And if you've read my book, you already know they loathe fire.  And you know what's worse than random fire shooting into the air? A bloodthirsty maniac with a healthy fire phobia.  Either he'll eat everything in sight or cling to you like a kid to his blankie. Either way your night is screwed.

2. Port o'potties = easy pickings for a flesh-eater.  And really, aren't portable toilets bad enough without worrying that your date for the night is chomping on anyone inside?  Yuck. Plus, afterwards you know they'll just ask you for hand sanitizer.

3. Sand in your shoes means it's way harder to run for your life - and really, having to race from a flesh-eater is bad enough, without picking mosquito bites and bits of shell from your toes.  Is it too much to ask for a flat surface?

4. A crowded beach full of folks is simply too much temptation for anyone with a tendency for homicide, and your flesh-eating pal is no exception.  Do you really think Carl would wait for the grand finale to wipe out half the shore? Talk about a holiday buzz-kill.

5.  Scavengers are notorious for many things.  Knowing the words to the national anthem is not one of them. They cannot carry a tune to save their lives - or yours - or anyone else's. Frankly, they're tone-deaf and it's just plain painful. As is having your throat ripped out.  'Nuff said.

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