Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Beets are the devil

Day 2 of Juiceapalooza, AKA, another ridiculous idea I vow not to repeat


After one day of juicing (which I hope NEVER to use as a verb again), I can report the following:

1. Collards belong in bacon, not my glass

2. Beets are the devil. They are evil, and should only be permitted to exist in pickled form, nestled next to a bratwurst and potato salad or nowhere on this planet.

3. Drinking raw fruits and vegetables is not making me crave more "real" foods. It is, in fact, having the opposite effect. I came home last night never wanting to face another green thing again. I wanted bread, pasta, cheese and Cheez-its. (Now here's an idea: a Cheez-its and Chardonnay fast. Who's with me?)

4. I did not feel energized, I felt hungry. Also? Making meatballs for my family while contemplating another bottle of green sludge did not make me appreciate my newfound health. It made me mad.

5. I grabbed an apple late last night, and I noticed something. It tasted pretty good, except I kept thinking it would be so much better if it didn't taste like apple juice. Which made me realize: I don't actually like juice. I never drink it. I sort of like grapefruit juice. And I like OJ in a Mimosa. But unless I'm mistaken, and there is actually a juice fast in which everything gets mixed with Champagne, I may have picked the wrong diet.

But -- once again quoting Scarlett O'Hara, tomorrow is another day. And it's today. I woke up ... well, hungry, but I did manage to walk the dog and swim. And then, when I was getting dressed, I noticed one ear piercing is lower than the other, causing one earring to look longer than the other. Is this the "new mental clarity" the juicing gurus spoke of?

To make this morning's green monster more palatable, I dumped it in the blender with a few strawberries and half a banana. It was better. Not good. But more like strawberry-banana grass, instead of apple grass, which is an improvement in my book.

But three hours later, I was still extremely hungry. I could have totally gone medieval on some waffles. But I ate 2 boiled eggs instead. Because that's a party. And because I was so annoyed by the raw food philosophy of the juice company, I had to eat something cooked just out of spite.

What lunatic decided cooking was bad, anyway? No, please, don't tell me. I don't care. I just know it's wrong. Some things are just better with a little heat. Collards, for one. That's right, juicing people, you have now made me hate collard greens. I'm from Kentucky, for God's sake, why don't you just take away every piece of my culinary cultura heritage, piece by piece?

What's next, RAW CHICKEN?

Day 2, juice 3: I'm skipping juice #2, because it was that orange-gingery thing that's OK. But juice #3 I couldn't deal with yesterday, so this is my first taste.

BLECH. First, never trust anything with a label that reads, "Vitamin C, Folate, Potassium + Love."

I'm pretty sure if love has a taste, it's not cucumber juice.

Second, aloe vera? I'm not into drinking lotion. That's just me.

Third, pineapple juice. Why couldn't we just lead with that? It's listed first as an ingredient, which gave me hope. But it's not the dominant flavor. Cucumber and aloe vera are stealing the show here, so basically this juice tastes like something I should be plastering on my face, not ingesting. So maybe I should go home and dump this in the tub, turn on some Enya and call this a spa bath.

Or ... maybe I'll just dump it in the trash.

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