Friday, June 6, 2014

Why Atkins Sucks


I told myself I'd write another chapter this week, but lethargy (ahem, laziness) got in the way. I blame Atkins.

Disclaimer: I am not a dietician. I am not an expert on anything. I only care about losing 5 pounds before my vacation, so that I can gain it all back eating Cuban food in Florida. But that being said, here's why I think (as of Day 5) that Atkins SUCKS:


1. I got tired of meat by dinner on Day 1, and the sight of grilled chicken made me gag. I'm more of a "meat flavors my carbs" kind of girl.

2. Any diet that says a steak is better for me than a whole tomato is stupid.

3. Burgers wrapped in lettuce are impossible to eat. Especially in a movie theater. Especially when taking in a special showing of the 1986 classic, "The Lost Boys" at the Alamo, where they served yummy-sounding vampire-themed cocktails that I had to forgo, because they are "not approved" in Phase I of this lame diet.

4. I'm sick of eggs. Eaten them the first 3 mornings, and then on Day 4 I skipped breakfast because I lost my will to eat another egg.

5. It's not even that I'm craving bread or anything, I just want a damn orange.

6. This must be how people get scurvy. See above.

7. If you can explain to me how pure cream in my coffee is better than milk, you should probably invent something because you are a DAMN GENIUS. Don't get me wrong - I love cream. But come on, how's taking the teaspoon of sugar out of my coffee and replacing the milk with cream possibly a good idea? That sounds like a one-way ticket to cholesterol town.

8. The diet has made me too tired get out of bed early to exercise. I've read all the message boards about how it's just the first few days, and my body is going into withdrawal, blah, blah, blah. But still. Doesn't that seem intrinsically wrong? And the whole "withdrawal" argument, frankly, isn't very convincing. It's not HEROIN folks, it's just bread.

9. Failing a magical transformation over the weekend, I'm thinking if I just cut out grains, rice and potatoes that should work just as well. And not worry about how many tomatoes, veggies or fresh fruit I consume. Or having a glass of wine. Before Christmas, I was following the "glass of wine and handful of pecans for dinner" diet (patent pending) and that seemed pretty effective (sure, it also leads to alcoholism, but sacrifices must be made). I fell off that wagon between Christmas and New Year's and never got back on, but I think it's worth reviving.

10. The only reason I am doing this is to feel cuter in a swimsuit in Florida. The second I get there, I'm eating whatever the hell I want. Because life is too short to go without Cuban bread. :)

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